Tag Archives: india

World war 3….

Semi final match between India and Pakistan

World Cup Semi Final 2011

So today is world war 3 – at least for India and Pakistan. It’s like everyone’s life depended on this game. Companies have given off. Year ending filings have all been postponed to tomorrow. Basically life has come to a standstill till the results are declared. The team which wins today will be considered God, and the team which loses will be called traitors – Forget the logic that one team has to loose today, no matter what, but for the losing country they will be traitors. Had it been the olden days, we would have made the losers sit on a donkey with their faces smeared with black soot and thrown them out of the county……..THANKFULLY SUCH THINGS CANNOT BE DONE TODAY. Anyway such is the illogical madness of a India-Pakistan World Cup Semi-FInal Match.

But my topic is not about that madness. It’s about the pressure on me, to ensure India wins.. It so happens that I come from a crazy family. Apparently during the ’83 World Cup I slept through most of the match or at least the first innings. Not surprising as I was hardly a few years old and I could not make out head or tail of what the madness at home was all about. I did realise something major had happened when I was taken out in the middle of the night and we were all dancing and singing on the road and bursting crackers like it was Diwali. Anyway I digress. So it so happened that I slept and India won the first ever World Cup. From then on my dad made it mandatory for me to sleep during an important match. It seemed India was not winning cause it had any ability, but any victory was credited to my sleeping during the first innings of the match. I did ask my dad, can’t the India team pay me money to sleep cause after all its all cause of me, but then he said it would then amount to match-fixing. Hence the answer was no :).

This madness was not just limited to cricket. I come from Calcutta where Football is another craze and world war 3 erupts everytime, there is an East Bengal and Mohun Bagan match. I remember as a kid, we used to stay in a locality where we were the only East Bengal supporters. Of course it so happened that during those days, most times East Bengal won. Anyway my duty was before the match I had to go knocking at every house and tell them they will loose, and after we won, I had to again go knocking at every door and call them losers. Oh and then I had to go hang a huge “Hilsa” Fish and the East Bengal flag from our window, just to rub salt in their wounds. Of course if the reverse happened all those families would call me moment I am out, and tell me the same thing. It did not matter that I was maybe a 2 year old and they were all 30 year olds and above, but yet the rivalry was on. Such was the juvenile madness. To make matters worse I had to wear the same red and yellow dress for 3 years, even though I had outgrown it ages back, cause that was the dress I wore when once East Bengal won by 6 goals. It did not matter that I was stifling in it, I had to wear it. I had to sit on the same spot and not move, even to go the restroom, cause Mohan Bagan had once given a goal when I had got up from my fixed place for 2 mins. Like I said, madness ruled supreme. Now Hilsa fish is a sign of East Bengal and Prawns were for Mohan Bagan. On the day of the match prawns were not allowed even in the vicinity of home. Once I went somewhere and by mistake had just one tiny piece of prawn and sadly Mohan Bagan won that day. My dad called me a traitor and all, till ma got up and literally threatened to divorce him if he tortured a 3 year old with such nonsense. But such was the madness at home.

Now forward to 2011. My dad is no longer there, but am sure wherever in heaven he is, he is torturing people up there with similar madness to ensure India wins. And back here on earth, the tradition of my torture continues, even though Baba is not there. My partner has already warned me if I do not sleep during the match and God forbid something bad happens, we can forget our partnership and all. He will not even talk to me again. Friendship and business be damned. And of course so is India’s ability.

So here I go to sleep in a short while from now. Just remember if India wins, its cause I slept. Of course if they loose, its cause of their inability.

On that note, cheers to India. For God’s sake win the match.

Advertisements

Angry Mother India writes to her children…

Mother India and its state of affairs

Mother India and its state of affairs

Dear Children (Since you call me motherland I guess I can call you children),

Firstly let me tell you that I am nowadays a little irritable, which is understandable at my age. I am thousands of years old. It’s been quite some time since I stopped counting and hence cannot tell you my exact age but it’s been a long time since I was born. Hence my patience level is obviously quite low. On top some of you guys have managed to really make me upset and hence this letter to a lot of you. Also excuse me if I cannot address each one of you by name. I know you my children and mothers should no know each of their kid by name, but having a 1.15 billion kids is no mean task. I am sure you guys will excuse me for that. If not try having 200 kids and remember each one by name. On second thought, leave it (You might just attempt it). So let me start with my letter and the reason for me writing to you guys.

Since we on the topic of billion kids, let me start with that. Tell me something, why do I have a billion kids? I understand children are great and I personally love them a lot. But can you imagine going to labour a billion times? Let me ask you women, can you do it? And you men, how does it matter to you? Just cause you men don’t have to bear the kids and just can enjoy fruits of your labour after birth, you guys don’t care do you? I assure you had this been your fatherland and not motherland you guys would have thought twice. No wonder Germany has not such a huge population cause the men realize the pains of giving birth. So if you guy don’t mind, and if you ladies can explain the pains of labour, can we please first control that. Am tired of giving birth to a baby every second, and honestly its making me more irritable, forget that the labour pain has made me go insane. So please can you control the same?

Now to another topic, which I am intrigued about, more than worried. Did we by any chance really invent the time machine? And for some reason it only goes backwards and not forwards? Else how can you explain that Mahabharata was more modern in terms of women’s lib than Ramayana? Or we abolished the caste system in 1960 but in 2010 you guys’ practice caste based politics. Or the fact that we became secular in 1950 but in 2010 we have politics based on religion. So tell me did we invent it? If so, great news, but can we please correct it so it moves forward to? It’s quite painful reliving history, especially the painful ones, which I thought we migrated from. Please can you check the same and correct it for God’s sake? And if you cannot, at least then stop using it and stay in the Present century and year. Will do you and me a world of good.

There is one more thing which bothers me a lot. Why are you so hell bent in cutting me into pieces? What if I get off and cut off your hand and say hand is more important? Or the leg is more important. Fact is every part of you is important from the hair to the toes. And if am not chopping them off, what makes you think you can chop me off? Next time you think of that, first ampute a part of your body and then let me know how you feel. If you like it, then let us discuss cutting me into pieces

I would like to address my next point to some specific kids of mine – Pramod Muthalik and his Ram Sena, and the moral brigades of India. Firstly sons, how much do you know me that you go defending the “bharatiya sanskriti” or the culture of India? Do you know the Kamasutra was a product of this country? Or have you ever seen the Khajuraho temple? Or did you know the kind of clothes women wore during the olden days, way way before you were born and when I too was much younger? Then what is this that you defending when you tell women what to wear, what not to do, etc? Besides did I ever tell you to defend my culture? If I did not, then why are you harassing them? Honestly speaking I would love to dress the way they do. But alas am old, and I have wrinkles, and hence cannot. But that does not mean my children cannot. So stop telling them what to do or I will have to instruct my children to tell you what to do and trust me you will not like it.

Also back to my other favourite kids – The Thakerays. Tell me something, Bal Thakeray, do you even know that your father was a migrant to Bombay from North India? So technically speaking, you are not a Maharashtrian. Then what gives you the right to beat up my kids from North and tell them they need to go. If I had my Maharashtrian kids throw your father out then, can you imagine what would have happened to you? Actually between you and me, I think I would have been a happier person. And Raj at least if you have branched out, think on your own? You are like the perfect parasite a family should always avoid.

Now back to the children of mine who hurt me the most – The Politicians. I am really not sure why some of you and your ancestors freed me from the British. Honestly speaking at least they hurt me less. They were after all my adopted children who never really accepted me as their motherland. So when they robbed me, it hurt. But you people are my flesh and blood. And to think you guys rob me everyday, and stash away my wealth in Swiss Banks. You do scams after scams, rob my people, divide people and all in the name of doing good. At least my foreign children, admitted they don’t love me. You do and still behave same, if not worse. Honestly all I see is the colour of my rulers have changed. Rest is still the same. Change before the people throw you out too, and throw out they will.

And finally a note to my beloved children – the ordinary citizens of my country. Just what will it take for you to love me, to care for me and to stop ill-treating me? Else how do you justify electing the morons you elect time after time? Or better still avoiding voting, expecting God to do a miracle and change the status of affairs? How do you justify that today we are considered one of the most corrupt nations and you guys complain that things are bad, but are instrumental in making it so? You guys give bribes and then wonder why people ask for them? Is this what makes you proud to be an Indian? Is this the country you or your forefathers freed from the British? I come to you today, to tell you my life and my reputation lies with you. I am angry and as my children can I expect you to do something to change my mood?

On that note, I wish each one of you the very best and hope you guys do something soon

A very angry and old Mother India

%d bloggers like this: