Tag Archives: Satire

An open to letter to all MPs & MLAs of India

Catch my latest blog post at http://worldasisee.com/an-open-to-letter-to-all-mps-mlas-of-india/ 

Our MPs and MLAs

Our parliament

Our parliament

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An open letter to the prime minister (shareholder to CEO of country)

A letter to the Prime Minister of India Dr Manmohan Singh about the functioning of India

A letter to Dr Manmohan Singh

Dear Mr Prime Minister,

I am writing this letter to you out as I believe that you are the CEO of my country and since I pay my taxes (quite unhappily though), which runs the country I guess that makes me a shareholder and  I feel it gives me a right to bring up certain issues to you. Hence the letter.

I will first start with the functioning of your parliament which I guess is the headquarters of the office you run. I run an organisation here and though am a very relaxed person about rules of attending office on time, etc I cannot in the world imagine how you can have a parliament where your parliamentarians play truant many times and some even 100% of the the time and yet they are allowed to have their job. Better still they get paid for the same. May I know as to how you can spend my money to pay those guys who do not turn up at work? And the ones who do turn up, many of them do not work. I hope you understand that we as citizens pay your salary so you work and not come to the parliament and do nothing? You have a huge percentage of members who have not once whatsoever raised a question in the question hour or done any meaningful work. Yet we seem to keep paying their salaries every month. Honestly its not amazing that the country is in this mess, with such employees. Or should I say its amazing the country is not in worse mess even though it has such employees running the show????????? I do understand that as CEO you have a limited role in some of these cases but at least the employees whom you have brought in, can you not regulate them? And on the same note I would like to add, that I would want you to hire and promote people based only on their expertise and qualifications. I really do not want the first woman President, or the first dalit speaker, or the first sikh prime minister. I just want honest and able people to lead the positions. So if you could kindly refrain from using people’s birth as their qualifications I guess it would do us a world of good.

I would like to bring to your notice another working of your organisation which amazes me. I see many a times that your employees raise the issue of media regulation especially the television. Many times I have heard your information and broadcast minister send notices to television channels about the programs they telecast and the impact they have on children, our society, etc. I mean honestly speaking have your team members ever seen their delinquent behaviour which gets telecast on television daily? Have they ever felt the need to regulate that in regards to the fact that it would spoil the kids or the society. Seeing you guys fight, abuse each other in a place of work, one needs to regulate that channel more than any other channel ever. Why has your minister never brought up that topic? Have they not once thought the kind of impact it would have? Please as CEO can you ask your information and broadcasting minister to first check this telecast before they cast aspersions on others??

The other thing which worries me immensely as a shareholder is the blatant way you guys even in this economy increase your salaries and perks. I do understand that they are the needs and we need to pay you well to function, etc but have you ever calculated the amount of money we spend behind each of your employee? its Rs 2.66 lakhs a month? And time and again you guys increase the same, not once asking the shareholders if they feel like appraising you at all? As CEO of the country, I appreciate you telling the private sector to stop paying the eye popping salaries they pay their employees, but after seeing the salaries you pay your employees, I wonder why the same yard stick is not used to measure your employees?

Mr Prime Minister, I would also like to understand that every year in spite of the dismal performance of the Government I as shareholder have not taken away my faith from this country and moved to another (though honestly that is something which I am very much wondering now) but what have you given me in return? Have we in the last 50 years even made an attempt to improve the selection procedure of the employees we hire? I run an organisation and I ensure I do their background check, check their resume, etc before I even call them for an interview. Yes I too sometimes still choose wrong employees, but you Mr CEO seem to go wrong in the selection process itself. I see no criteria being given to choose your set of probable employees except the fact that they are interested. Also nepotism seems to be the ideal way of choosing the hopeful candidate? Can you please advise me as to why after so many years I still see no improvement in the same and how do you plan to address the issue?

Mr Prime Minister I would also like to talk to you about the various committees successive CEO’s of the country have set up to investigate various and countless crimes done by previous management. When I run my firm, I cannot in the world imagine how I can give a work out without first fixing a budget and a timeframe for the same along with of course the execution plan. But in your company, no matter who is in the helm of affairs the story remains the same. Tell me honestly, do you expect your shareholders to believe it takes 20 years to investigate a crime spending billions of rupees and to give the information which was anycase privy to all? Why may I know are we not changing the system?

The other matter which plagues me a lot is the prizes you decide to confer on sports personalities, namely cricket. Though I do understand that its a very entertaining sport and one which I personally enjoy but I see no reason to give special status to them using my funds in the company while you deprive the others. If you want to spend my money please make it equitable and based on certain criteria, else please do not. I have not invested my money for this.

The other point I would like to understand from you is what is your criterian for breaking the states and making it smaller ones? Is it cause of governance or just cause someone protests? And if it is the latter why not separate out the states which want to leave us? Or is it size matters? States can be separated but not the country? If not, I would like to understand what is the due diligence being done before you or your board take such decisions?

Before I end, Mr Prime Minister I would like to tell you that basically I find you a very able CEO and definitely much much better than any previous management we have had in a long long long time. Hence I felt, that maybe you would try and solve the functioning of this company before its too late and shareholders plan to leave you for other companies. Thus the letter. I do hope that the letter will be received in the right spirit and I hope very soon it will be a pleasure to invest here.

Warm Regards

A small shareholder

My response to 90% of the marriage ads

Marriage ads in marriage portals

My ad in a marriage portal - Got me zero takers

Has anyone ever gone through marriage ads? Most men have standard requirements which are the following :

1. Fair bride (they can be dark as coal but wife dear has to be fair)

2. Sharp Features (its a different thing that their features have never known the word sharp)

3. Love my family (and dont expect them to love yours or for that matter even their own)

 4. Long Hair (They can be bald but you lady need to have long hair. Balancing act you see)

5. You need to cook very well (now you see if he is marrying he will do away with the maid, right?)

6. Educated (Degrees mean a lot specially to bong guys)

7. Young (They could be in their 50s but the girl needs to be in her early 20s)

And of coure they need to know the girl’s caste and many want my horoscope (and this even applies to all so called modern people who will otherwise write how caste system is wrong but when it comes to marriage wants to match all that). One would of course imagine that with such perfect matching none of those marriages ever can fail and most are match made in heaven but that is not always the case. Anyway thats a topic for another day.

Now lets look at the other party in the marriage viz : the women. Now women are simple and straight in all ads. They don’t have any such criteria. They are simple. THEY ARE JUST PERFECT. Every woman is beautiful (ignore the attached pic in case of marriage portal, as they were clicked on a very bad day), they can cook so well that chefs will feel ashamed, they are brilliant in studies and great at outdoor as wel as indoor work. And they will love your parents, will live on love and fresh air. Basically they are what God calls Angels.

Now seeing all these perfect women and the demands of the men I realised if I put up an ad, I will get nothing.  I mean God made me perfect but more like perfectly imperfect. How could I ever compete with such perfection I ever wondered. But nevertheless once ma (in one of her crazy ideas) said I need to marry either one of the men I knew or find someone for myself. Else she will get me married off. Now I did not want to ruin the lives of men I knew (they were friends after all and no matter how great I think I am and how much I love myself I will always feel sorry for the man who marries me), and neither did I want my mom looking for someone for me and then being blamed by my in laws that she got me married to them. So I said I will do the needful and this is the ad I put up.

AD :

Hi Prospective Grooms, Please stop here and look at me. I am desperate for marriage as ma says she cannot tolerate me anymore at home (Its a different thing that few days later you too will say the same thing). So please go through my profile and at least tell me you want to marry me even if you don’t. Anyway here is some details about me.

Well I am a wonderful girl. I am beautiful, attractive, nice, smart, intelligent, pretty – you can say adjectives fail me. I weigh around 100 kgs (but do not consider me fat – i am what you could say less thin), i am 4 ft 5 inches (but do not consider me short – i am less tall), i am black (you cannot find me in the night they say). My hair is wonderful. Basically i am bald and hence I use wonderful wigs – so you want long and silky, short & croppy, whatever. I can have that hair. (Now isn’t that a bonus. How many men can boast of wives who has hair of every type to suit every mood). My eyes put aishwarya’s to shame – only problem is you need a microscope to find it. My nose is the best part of my body – its like a road which suddenly took an u turn (You getting the picture right?) I wanted to go to the Ms Universe Contest but my family felt that others would have a inferiority complex and hence did not allow me to. Your good luck cause now me here and you can marry me !!

My other qualities – well i can cook. I mean I tried to make tea once but it tasted like ditch water. After that i never cooked. But I am sure if you want I can cook some burnt food for you. I am educated. I did pass some class some time – was it class V or was it class VI? I do not remember. Oh sorry I did appear for matriculation. Now class X exams come after class V right? Ok its a separate point that I did not pass. But so what? Lets say I am matric appeared (MA). Now that sounds like a degree, right?

My age – I am sure you are not that indecent to ask a girl her age. No one seems to have taught you any manners. Well lets say i am not very young.

My family says i am god’s gift to mankind. Any man who marries me would start praying to god that very day that I disappear from their life. So any man who does not pray much – God would gift me to them so they start praying.

Anyway here is my bio-data :

Name : Whats in a name ? Kalidas said that – so why bother telling you..or was it shakespeare??? ..well what the hell..what’s in their name too..

Age : I just said its indecent to ask a girl her age.Ok let me say I am 18+ ..that’s the legal age to marry right? Now don’t ask me how many plusses after 18…that me not telling

Caste : Don’t you know caste system has been abolished, you regressive men !!!!! How dare you ask someone this. I would put you behind bars for this.

Income : I am marrying so that my husband can earn for me, not the other way round.

Bank Balance : If I had any, why would I think of marrying you? And remember always your money is my money and my money is ALSO MY MONEY..Don’t you dare think of it as yours

Horoscope : Send me yours and I will send you back one which matches yours completely. Now what do they say in hindi “Chattis gun milenge”. Happy aren’t you?

My family : We are about a 100 member stong household. My husband would have to support them too. And please I cannot love your family like my own. Its tough enough loving them. And any case didn’t Karan Johar say “Its all about loving your parents”. He never said “its all about loving your husband’s parents”

Education : I can read & write

Habits : I drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney

Secret desire : To beat my husband black and blue every night.

Favourite Movie : She devil..I love it

My wish: To marry a man who can give me the 3 Ms – Money, Mercedes and Mansion.

My dream man : A guy who is dumb and a billionaire. And who can give me the 3Ms.

IF YOU FEEL YOU FIT INTO MY CATEGORY OF A PERFECT MAN PLEASE DO CONTACT ME AND WE CAN THEN DISCUSS THE FINANCIALS (hello you thought you will marry me without spending any penny on me is it? Now now it isn’t dowry, its lets say what they call proof of your love for me. Now I cannot marry unless you love me right? And You need to prove your love. Hence)

Needless to say all thought my honesty to be madness but such was life. I mean tell me something women do marry for social security and what is social security if you dont give me money and look after me and my needs? But no, if I say it am bad. Anyway sad thing is no one really agreed to marry me seeing this but so what? But then like I always says…Your loss dear….  🙂

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