Why my grand uncle got a zero in maths…

Why my grand uncle got a zero in maths

As a kid my grand uncle (shancha) used to keep telling me a story as to why he a got a zero in maths. Its a story I grew up hearing and a story, even today when I hear makes me laugh. So here is my attempt to tell that to all and to make all smile 🙂

My grand uncle scored a zero in maths. Of course because of that everyone scolded him, his principal beat him, his friends laughed at him but he was quite undeterred. The reason was that had he attempted the problems and then got a zero he would have had a reason to be ashamed. But the fact is he did not even attempt a single sum. Why did he not, is what this story is all about.

The first problem stated “Simplify the following”. Now why in God’s name should one simplify a complex thing and why? The logic was beyond him and hence he refused to attempt that sum.

The second problem was the following. An alcohol shop owner was mixing 1 gallon water with every 5 gallons of alcohol. Now if every gallon alcohol cost Rs 50 (I am talking 50 years back) and he sold it at Rs 70, how much profit would he make by selling 30 gallons of alcohol?
Now my grand uncle could not believe it. Firstly we discussing alcohol which is so tabboo and on a corrupt alcohol dealer? And to think that someone thought he was going to solve this problem and help that corrupt man? No way !! Thus he did not solve this problem

The third maths problem was this. Divide Rs 100 among 3 men and 2 women in such a way that every man gets 10 Rs more than every woman. Now this was too much for my grand uncle. Our constitution gives equal right to men and women and here his maths teacher wanted him to solve a problem which snatched that right and was so unconstitutional? How could he solve it and disregard what the constitution stood for? Hence he had to let go of solving this problem too.

The fourth problem was about a trader. The problem given to him was that a trader bought 500 metres of cloth at 20 Rs a metre. He was selling it at 25 Rs a metre. But cause his scale had an error, for every metre he was selling actually 20 cms less. So how much profit would he make for that 500 metre of cloth he sold? Now instead of reporting the matter to the police how could his maths teacher expect him to solve this problem and help such a corrupt man? And so, he refused to be party to such corrupt practices and did not even attempt to solve this problem either.

The final problem given in the exam was that a 10 feet long bamboo which was covered in oil, had bananas attached at the top. Now a monkey was trying to reach it to eat and every 10 minutes he was climbing one feet but dropping 20 metres owing to the oily bamboo. How long would the monkey take to finally reach and eat the bananas? Now even in those day and age my grand uncle was quite aware of the animal activist groups. Now he wondered should he actually solve this problem and help his maths teacher and monkey around with a monkey or should he go and inform the animal rights group that such inhumanity was being practiced against them. Of course he chose the latter and hence decided not to attempt this sum as well.

End result, he got a zero. Of course cause of that everyone scolded him, beat him up, ridiculed him but till date he is quite proud of his achievement. Of course cause of this he never really made it as big as his so called classmates who ignored all ethics and sided with criminals, cheats, animal torturers but till this date no one can make us smile the way shancha can.

Enjoy !!!

Another open letter to Mr Bal Thakeray…Extending my support(sic) again

The divisive politics Mr Bal Thakeray Plays

Dear Mr Thakeray,

I hope my last letter has reached you and you have realised what an ardent fan and follower you have in me. Sir, this letter is being sent to you as I am seriously worried about you and your party’s health and want to once again extend my humble support to you.

Sir, I have been following the news following the Pune attack. Sir, you should immediately break ties with the BJP and even some of your party men should refrain from talking to the media. Sir, you guys have blamed the ruling Maharashtra for the the Pune attacks blaming them that had they not used the entire police force to ensure the smooth release of “My Name is Khan” this would not have happened. Sir, for the first time you have got the support of the entire country cause most feel this way, except they all have attached a rider to your statement. Sir, everyone saying had you not created a ruckus and ensured that the police had not been occupied to protect the state from your hooliganism, which unfortunately they had to do, they would have been able to stop this Pune attack. Oh sir, you do not understand, they will now implicate you, and sir this time they will hang you sir, as you are guilty of ensuring a terrorist attack in this country. Oh sir, I fear for you.

Sir, there is one more problem I heard which is cropping up for you. I heard sir, most industries including the film industry have got tired of your mafia politics and have decided to shift base from Maharashtra to other states. Sir then sir what will happen? Sir, I fear many Maharashtrians will then be forced to leave the city affecting your vote percentage, but sir, I think that will not affect you much as the sane people who will leave would anycase have never voted for you. But sir, what will affect you is the fact is the people who will stay back. Sir, they will mostly have no jobs left except to drive a taxi, which thanks to all your hooliganism will be reserved only for them. But problem, sir will be that by then no one in Maharashtra will have any money left to ride a taxi as no jobs will be there. And sir, all these Maharashtrians you fighting for to become cab drivers will finally get cabs but without any passengers. Sir, then even this miniscule percentage of people, who still, for some weird concocted reason vote for you, will stop voting for you and rather abuse you. Sir, what will you do then? You will move into oblivion and die a slow death either in jail (where you will have lots of company with the likes of you) or in your huge home alone. Oh sir, I feel so sad.

Sir, fearing this I came up with an idea which sir, I got it from you and your supporters. Sir, like your supporters bought tickets for Mr ShahRukh Khan to leave for Lahore, I bought tickets for you sir. I raised money which every citizen in the country was so willingly read to give (God bless each one of them. They are so nice sir, to do this good deed to help you out). Sir, I bought tickets for you for every country in the world, so that you can go anywhere in the world sir. But sir, I again ran into problems. No other country sir, was ready to have you, even for a day, as a guest, forget having you as a permanent citizen. Oh sir, now what will you do sir? India does not want you and the countries will not take you. Sir, you have no future sir. Oh sir, I guess your only future will be in jail (which I think will be a safe haven for you sir) or sir it will be by being beaten up in public sir, by citizens of India, and since they have learned it very well from who else but you, they know the art of beating up people quite well.

Sir, I feel so sorry for you. I was such an ardent admirer, fan and follower of you. Oh sir, if only you had mend your ways and did what is good for the country, you would have had such a different life. Oh sir, what will happen to me now that you gone sir. Oh sir, you are doomed.

Sir, I have to end my letter now. I cannot control my tears any more as am so heartbroken, visualising your complete dark future. I wish these Indians understood what a great man you were. After all, you could do what no man has ever done. Unite every Indian. Unite them in their belief that you sir, are nothing but a menace to society and every Indian. I wish they sir, realised how you became bad so they could be united (Sir, that .01% who still vote for you, will stop voting soon too, so I can say it will be a 100% vote against you). But such is life, sir.

Your ardent admirer till her dying breath

Priyashmita

Read my first letter to Mr Bal Thakeray

An open letter to Mr Bal Thakeray…And to Support(sic) him

A letter to Mr Bal Thakeray for the hate politics he represents and we hate

Dear Mr Thakeray,

I really will say I have become quite an admirer of you. Who else has the guts to tell people like Mr Sachin Tendulkar, Mr Shah Rukh Khan, Mr Mukesh Ambani that they are traitors, etc with such elan and panache I wonder. But you do, and for that I salute you.

And since I am such admirer of you, I hope you will let me ask you a few questions which will clarify some doubts I have. Sir, I am only asking these as I want to defend you, when people speak against you which today constitutes 99.99% of the countrymen and women.

You have been saying that we should not let Australian players play in India. I completely support you on this. How dare they beat us up and how can we let them play in our country post that? But just a small question, when you beat up North Indians and Maharashtrians go to North India to play for various sports, I hope it is ok for them to stop them from playing or for that matter working there or living there? Naah? Oh wrong question I guess. I am sorry sir. I completely forgot different rules apply for you and for others. I will remember this next time someone tells me this sir. Oh sorry, I should not have said that in public? Am so sorry sir. Forgive me.

There is one more thing I support you for sir. Your total vandalism during Valentine day celebrations. How can we allow something so western in our country. Its completely unacceptable to tell someone you love them. I too deplore it. Hence you spread hatred which I agree India stands for. But sir, somebody that day told me there was a singer called Mr Michael Jackson who was a great pop star in USA. (I am against western culture and hence do not know much, but I hear he represented the western culture quite well). Sir, did you bring him to our country for a music concert? But sir, that would have spoilt our generations for years to come cause it was completely western and people would be dancing and singing sir? Oh sorry, did you say that was business and money for you and your family and hence acceptable? And on that ground, you are ok to let western civilisation take over us? Well sir, I apologise then. Next time anyone speaks against you, on this ground I will tell them this. Oh oh, I am sooooo sorry. That was not for public knowledge, right sir? Forgive me, will you sir for letting out the secret?

Sir, there was another subject which has been brought to my notice. Your son and you too always say that you don’t support vandalism and when people belonging to your party vandalise they do it as a spontaneous reaction. Sir, I completely agree. How can you control people sir? But sir, people are giving some weird definitions of being a leader. Some people have the gaul to say that a leader means he has followers whom he can control, who listen to him. One even told me dictionary defines leadership as a process by which a person influences others to accomplish an objective. So if you cannot control them it means you not a leader. Sir I of course told them, it is completely untrue and you can control and these followers are doing so cause you are telling them to, else would not. I did the right thing sir, right? They were saying you not a leader. Oh sorry, did I goof up? Does that implicate you in criminal proceedings for supporting and initiating vandalism? I am so sorry Sir. Please forgive me.

By the way Sir, I want to congratulate you sir for taking on the mights of Sachin Tendulkar, Mr Mukesh Ambani, Mr Shah rukh Khan. I completely agree sir they are traitors. After all what have they done for us? Got us awards and made country proud? Made the Indian economy go soaring high? Made us an international force in the world in each of their respective domains? And not supporting you in something, becuase it is unconstitutional? Of course sir they are traitors. You sir, is the true champion of Indians. You are advocating dividing the country and talking something that the constitution says gives the country to arrest you and put you behind bars. But so what sir. Even freedom fighters went behind bars and that time what they said was unconstitutional as far as the British were concerned. You sir, are managing single handedly to do what Pakistan, whom you call as our enemy can never ever achieve . Dividing the country and making us hate our own countrymen, thus weakening the country. Oh sorry, wrong analogy sir? Am I getting you into trouble? I apologise sir. Please Please forgive me sir.

And finally sir, please please do something about these people who say bad bad things about you. Sir, they say you a hypocrite sir. Sir, they saying you actually had Mr Javed Miandad in your home who happens to be related to Mr Dawood Ibrahim, our most wanted criminal? Sir apparently post that you did a press conference praising him. And sir, these bad bad majority Indians, are also saying if you so against relationships with Pakistan, why are you not screaming at Mr Amitabh Bachhan who is reciting poetry with them for some very wrong program that Times of India is conducting in India called “Aman ki Asha”? Sir they are calling you publicity hungry and thats why you opposing “My Name Is Khan”. But sir, I fiercely fought for you. I told them you against “My Name is Khan” cause Mr ShahRukh Khan made some innocuous statement that we Indians should have shown more grace when we handle Pakistan players especially when there is a problem. I told them sir how dare Mr ShahRukh say something which show Indians in a positive light. We will never accept such blasphemy. But sir, one problem I could not tell them why you allowed Mr Javed Miandad to come and then praised him or why you not saying anything against TOI and Mr Bachhan, who is your friend, cause it supports the same thing you opposing. Sir, I keep saying its cause its been slipping your mind. You will oppose it too. Right, Sir? No, sir? Oh sorry sir, you cannot as they are your friends and you actually have no such cause that you believe in? Oh sir, you mean in your heart of hearts you actually a hypocrite who does not follow what you preach? Oh sorry sir, I again told something in public which I should not sir. Sorry sir, I fall at your feet. Please forgive me for confirming what all know sir. Please sir, I know you love apologies and I am apologising from the bottom of my heart sir.

Sir, I guess I am really making things bad for you by letting the cat out of the bag. I don’t want to sir, cause I really admire you. Hence I will not write anymore sir. Hope sir, I have not harmed you in any way.

But sir, before I end I want to tell you a few things, which might actually help you.

1. Promote Australians to kill us more. So far mostly they have killed north indians. It will take the burden off you from killing them
2. Promote V day. Makes more economic sense like it did when you brought it Mr Jackson
3. Slyly help Pakistani terrorists, etc divide us. Will help your agenda in removing all North Indians away from Maharashtra and you can be happy with only Maharashtrians in your land.

And Sir, to all who call us a banana republic, I say we not. We a republic who have the most thick skinned buffoons as their citizens and hence we vote for you Mr Thakeray and we do not ban parties like you.

I salute you sir and I salute us Indian citizens even more for voting you and your party year after year, even though they know what you represent. For that sir, and that alone, we deserve you and deserve the way you sending the country to the dogs !! Keep up the good work sir.

With deepest regards

Priyashmita

PS : And I hope I will not be asked to tender any further apology, sir, as have apologised all through the letter. I am aware how much you love apologies

You can read my second letter to Mr Thakeray here