Monthly Archives: May 2010

Not that I loved Cricket and IPL Less, but that I loved myself more

The scam they called IPLOn 26th of April the Governing council for IPL met to discuss the fate of the game and Mr Lalit Modi and they suspended him. The suspension was followed by a chargesheet giving Lalit Modi 15 days to answer. Following is an imaginary representation of that defence.

(Players – Shashank Manohar,Arun Jaitley, Inderjit Singh Bindra, BCCI treasurer M.P. Pandove, vice presidents Chirayu Amin, Rajeev Shukla, Board secretary N. Srinivasan, joint secretary Sanjay Jagdale, Jammu and Kashmir Cricket Association chief Farooq Abdullah, IPL vice-chairman Niranjan Shah and former India captains Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Mansoor Ali Khan Pataudi
Hero cum villian – Lalit Modi
Absolutely absent gullible idiots – The general public)

Scene I : Lalit Modi meets the governing council (Scene opens with Mr Modi making an opening speech)

Lalit Modi : Friends, IPL governing council men, and my fellow scamsters ! hear me for my cause, and be silent, that you may hear: believe me for mine honour, and have respect to mine honour, that you may believe: censure me in your wisdom, and awake your senses, that you may the better judge.
If there be any in this meeting, any dear fan of Cricket and IPL, to him I say, that Modi’s love for Cricket and IPL was no less than his. If then that friend demand why I scammed and cheated the IPL, this is my answer:–
Not that I loved Cricket and IPL Less, but that I loved myself more. Had you rather IPL and cricket was kept clean and we die all poor, than that IPL was full of scams, to live all rich men?
As IPL made me rich, I weep for losing it;
as it combined my love for money and women, I rejoice at it;
as it it made me famous, I honour it:
but, as it was the biggest chance for me to steal without being caught, I robbed it.
There is tears for the fame we got;
joy for the fortune we made;
honour for our ingenuity of pulling it off;
and theft for the money it offerred.
Who is here so base that would be a honest man? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so rude that would not be a ready scam, to get rich? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
Who is here so vile that will not love being wealthy? If any, speak; for him have I offended.
I pause for a reply.
.(Pauses for 2 minutes)

Shashank Manohar : Thank you Mr Modi. We completely agree with you that NONE HERE IS SO BASE OR RUDE OR VILE that they will not stoop to any levels to get rich. However we cannot take the blame for it, as you were the chairman and made maximum profits from it. Besides we need to show the world that we indicted you even if it was a sham. So please can you answer the showcause notice so we can get over with this sham?

Lalit Modi : Fair enough Mr Manohar. Let me start with your first accusation. Your one accusation reads “Breaching confidentiality clause by tweeting Kochis share-holding pattern”. Now let me refer to you my tweet ““I was told not to get into who owns Rendezvous, specially Sunanda Pushkar. Why””. So tell me where was I wrong in that? I know who owns all the other teams (cause 9 of the 10 teams are owned by me, 1 is owned by my fellow scamster Mr Srinivasan) Herein came a franchise and for the first time, I knew nothing about. I genuinely wanted to ask who owns the franchise and hence tweeted about the shareholders’ details that I did have, so someone could tell me about the rest?. Tell me what was wrong with it? It was after all an innocent query to know who dared owned a team, without us?

Ravi Shastri : I think he has a point. After all the rest are all know to us. And he only divulged the information so we all could know, who was so conniving as to steal our scamster’s wealth and make it their own?

Lalit Modi : Thank you Ravi. Your next accusation was “Arm-twisting successful bidder- Kochi, to withdraw” Now you guys have already agreed with me that none here is so vile as not to love being wealthy. You also know that 9 of the 10 franchises are owned by my family and friends. One is owned by Mr Srinvisan. In other words in every franchise we make money. So tell me, would you allow the advent of a franchise whose prosperity would not prosper us? Besides how can one Ms Sundanda Puskar get sweat equity when it is our sweat which is made the IPL such a huge money swindling machine? Was it her sweat which got this grand scheme in place? Then how could she get sweat equity when we 12 members have shed our sweat? So then was I wrong in trying to arm twist them to withdraw, so we could get a franchise where we could have stakes and earn money? If anyone here is so base to feel so, speak up now, or forever hold your silence

Inderjit Singh Bindra : I think he has a point. We shed our sweat and someone else took the sweat equity. We took the trouble of changing the BCCI rules so we could own IPL teams. Some of us unfortunately are not rich enough to own it with our own money, but then we could have been given sweat equity, couldn’t we? I think Lalit was right in arm twisting them to move out and sad that he failed. Lalit I support you in this

Lalit Modi: Thank you Mr Bindra. Now to your third allegation – “the unexplained 80 million USD facilitation fee about which BCCI was kept in the dark”. So let me explain the meaning of facilitation fee. Let me tell you, dictionary defines facilitation as “act of assisting or making easier the progress or improvement of something”. So as chairman of IPL it was my job to assist and make things easier for the people who wanted telecast rights? Now if I am going to work, should I not be paid for it? So I got paid 80 million USD. For God’s sake if Sunanda Pushkar can get sweat equity without even starting to shed sweat, can I not get fees for facilitating and genuinely helping someone?

Rajiv Shukla: I agree with you, but why did you keep BCCI in the dark?

Lalit Modi: In the dark? Now you guys have admitted that most of your accusations against me are based on media reports. So was this report not flashed last year? Then is it not baseless to say you were kept in the dark? After all the media did throw light on this?

Rajiv Shukla: Hmmmm…..you have a point there.

Lalit Modi: Your next accusation reads “Non-disclosure of interest and stake in RR, Kings XI & KKR”. Now you amended the BCCI rules to ensure we could have a direct stake in IPL. Hence Mr Srinivasan could divulge his interest. Did you give me any such consideration? Did you once think of me, and change the rules so it was legal to have an indirect stake in IPL too? You did not. Yet you expect me to inform you of my family’s and friend’s stakes? How could I?

Srinivasan: I tend to agree with him. We never gave him a platform so he could divulge the information. It’s not his fault that he could not under the circumstances.

Lalit Modi: You accused me of Misappropriation of funds in the 3 editions of IPL . Now I guess all of you will admit, that each one of us have become richer by a few million, in the last 3 years. Please can all of you tell me how were your pockets being filled for the last 3 years if there was no misappropriation of funds? Were you thinking that the funds filling your pockets, which was the reason why all of you kept quiet, was falling from heaven?

M.P. Pandove : Hmmmm. Well you should have made it more clearer.

Lalit Modi: Why Mr Pandove, would the governing council not have taken the money if it was more clearer?

M.P. Pandove: No, No !!! When did we say that? We would have not included the same in the accusation, that’s all

Lalit Modi: Fine Mr Pandove, then maybe we could strike this point and move to the next which is “Irregularities in awarding broadcast & internet rights” . Now can someone please tell me why did we create the IPL? Was it not to ensure we all make profits, while the government and innocent public are made fool of? And was it that not what we did? I awarded the same to people who gave the governing council profits and made each and everyone of us richer than we were before. I am lost. Was there any irregularity in ensuring that? I am shocked at this baseless allegation which says I committed irregularity in ensure we became rich. Did I by any chance award any rights to anyone who rightly deserved it, thus preventing us from getting wealthier?

Sanjay Jagdale: I think he is right. There were no irregularities. After all it was done to make us wealthy and we all have to accept he ensured that without any irregularity. He did nothing honest for us to claim he was irregular. We should drop this charge.

Lalit Modi: Thank you Mr Jagdale. Your next allegation reads Encouraging, attempting collusive bidding. I strongly refute this. Attempting?????????? Lalit Modi is not a failure that he will attempt collusive bidding. He will ensure it. I am not even going to demean myself by responding to this allegation and telling me am incapable of scams.

Niranjan Shah: Please Mr Modi forgive us for we know not what we said. We understand how hurt you must be that we assumed for a second that maybe you failed in your attempt to cheat. We are sorry. Please forgive us.

Lalit Modi: Its ok Mr Shah. But am heartbroken by this allegation. I don’t think I can continue any further. I would like to hand over the answers now in a 15000 page document.

Arun Jaitley: 15000 pages? What have you written there?

Lalit Modi: Well let me tell you it is not so much as my defence, but as facts gathered against each one of you, which I will duly reveal to all, if you decide to prosecute me. So its either me or neither of you.

Chirayu Amin : Hmmmm. This is serious Mr Modi. Do you mind giving us 5 mins to ponder?

Scene II :Governing council discusses how to handle Lalit Modi’s situation under the circumstances

Chirayu Amin : I suggest the following. We all know we cannot prosecute Mr Modi as we were all hand in glove with him. At the same time we need to continue a sham that we are. So I suggest that we take a long time to pretend to understand this document, and then refer it to the disciplinary committee and then that would take a few more months to decide. By then the gullible public will forget everything and we can reinstate him back. In the meantime he can enjoy a well earned holiday roaming the world. After all he worked very hard. Besides it will give him ample time to plan our next scam. If all in favour say “Aye”

Shashank Manohar,Arun Jaitley, Inderjit Singh Bindra,M.P. Pandove, Chirayu Amin, Rajeev Shukla, Board secretary N. Srinivasan, joint secretary Sanjay Jagdale, Niranjan Shah, Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Mansoor Ali Khan Pataudi : : AYE !!!!

Scene III : Gullible India Public

Gullible India Public : Wow !! BCCI actually did something. They referred him to a disciplinary committee. Now we can expect justice

…………………………….. AND THE STORY NEVER ENDS  AS MANY HINDI MOVIES SAY “THE BEGINNING”

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Angry Mother India writes to her children…

Mother India and its state of affairs

Mother India and its state of affairs

Dear Children (Since you call me motherland I guess I can call you children),

Firstly let me tell you that I am nowadays a little irritable, which is understandable at my age. I am thousands of years old. It’s been quite some time since I stopped counting and hence cannot tell you my exact age but it’s been a long time since I was born. Hence my patience level is obviously quite low. On top some of you guys have managed to really make me upset and hence this letter to a lot of you. Also excuse me if I cannot address each one of you by name. I know you my children and mothers should no know each of their kid by name, but having a 1.15 billion kids is no mean task. I am sure you guys will excuse me for that. If not try having 200 kids and remember each one by name. On second thought, leave it (You might just attempt it). So let me start with my letter and the reason for me writing to you guys.

Since we on the topic of billion kids, let me start with that. Tell me something, why do I have a billion kids? I understand children are great and I personally love them a lot. But can you imagine going to labour a billion times? Let me ask you women, can you do it? And you men, how does it matter to you? Just cause you men don’t have to bear the kids and just can enjoy fruits of your labour after birth, you guys don’t care do you? I assure you had this been your fatherland and not motherland you guys would have thought twice. No wonder Germany has not such a huge population cause the men realize the pains of giving birth. So if you guy don’t mind, and if you ladies can explain the pains of labour, can we please first control that. Am tired of giving birth to a baby every second, and honestly its making me more irritable, forget that the labour pain has made me go insane. So please can you control the same?

Now to another topic, which I am intrigued about, more than worried. Did we by any chance really invent the time machine? And for some reason it only goes backwards and not forwards? Else how can you explain that Mahabharata was more modern in terms of women’s lib than Ramayana? Or we abolished the caste system in 1960 but in 2010 you guys’ practice caste based politics. Or the fact that we became secular in 1950 but in 2010 we have politics based on religion. So tell me did we invent it? If so, great news, but can we please correct it so it moves forward to? It’s quite painful reliving history, especially the painful ones, which I thought we migrated from. Please can you check the same and correct it for God’s sake? And if you cannot, at least then stop using it and stay in the Present century and year. Will do you and me a world of good.

There is one more thing which bothers me a lot. Why are you so hell bent in cutting me into pieces? What if I get off and cut off your hand and say hand is more important? Or the leg is more important. Fact is every part of you is important from the hair to the toes. And if am not chopping them off, what makes you think you can chop me off? Next time you think of that, first ampute a part of your body and then let me know how you feel. If you like it, then let us discuss cutting me into pieces

I would like to address my next point to some specific kids of mine – Pramod Muthalik and his Ram Sena, and the moral brigades of India. Firstly sons, how much do you know me that you go defending the “bharatiya sanskriti” or the culture of India? Do you know the Kamasutra was a product of this country? Or have you ever seen the Khajuraho temple? Or did you know the kind of clothes women wore during the olden days, way way before you were born and when I too was much younger? Then what is this that you defending when you tell women what to wear, what not to do, etc? Besides did I ever tell you to defend my culture? If I did not, then why are you harassing them? Honestly speaking I would love to dress the way they do. But alas am old, and I have wrinkles, and hence cannot. But that does not mean my children cannot. So stop telling them what to do or I will have to instruct my children to tell you what to do and trust me you will not like it.

Also back to my other favourite kids – The Thakerays. Tell me something, Bal Thakeray, do you even know that your father was a migrant to Bombay from North India? So technically speaking, you are not a Maharashtrian. Then what gives you the right to beat up my kids from North and tell them they need to go. If I had my Maharashtrian kids throw your father out then, can you imagine what would have happened to you? Actually between you and me, I think I would have been a happier person. And Raj at least if you have branched out, think on your own? You are like the perfect parasite a family should always avoid.

Now back to the children of mine who hurt me the most – The Politicians. I am really not sure why some of you and your ancestors freed me from the British. Honestly speaking at least they hurt me less. They were after all my adopted children who never really accepted me as their motherland. So when they robbed me, it hurt. But you people are my flesh and blood. And to think you guys rob me everyday, and stash away my wealth in Swiss Banks. You do scams after scams, rob my people, divide people and all in the name of doing good. At least my foreign children, admitted they don’t love me. You do and still behave same, if not worse. Honestly all I see is the colour of my rulers have changed. Rest is still the same. Change before the people throw you out too, and throw out they will.

And finally a note to my beloved children – the ordinary citizens of my country. Just what will it take for you to love me, to care for me and to stop ill-treating me? Else how do you justify electing the morons you elect time after time? Or better still avoiding voting, expecting God to do a miracle and change the status of affairs? How do you justify that today we are considered one of the most corrupt nations and you guys complain that things are bad, but are instrumental in making it so? You guys give bribes and then wonder why people ask for them? Is this what makes you proud to be an Indian? Is this the country you or your forefathers freed from the British? I come to you today, to tell you my life and my reputation lies with you. I am angry and as my children can I expect you to do something to change my mood?

On that note, I wish each one of you the very best and hope you guys do something soon

A very angry and old Mother India

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